Power

Power. Control. Strength. All of these words can mean the same. Power is strength, both physical and mental. Power is control of your life and world. You can have power, take power, give power, and have power taken away from you. Everyone has power, but not everyone uses it the same way.

So how do I have power?  When I horseback ride I am able to bend an animal 10X my weight to my will and have it work with me rather than in opposition.  I control my life by finding and making time to model, perform burlesque, take pictures, knit, and play with fire. I have power by choosing to give up power on a daily basis.

I have actively and respectably given up power in two areas in my life. In my work life I give up power daily by going to work when I would rather be at home to take care of things and do freelance work. More importantly I give up personal power to 5 amazing people on a regular basis.  I submit to them all, even though I would love to have more power taken by service or play tasks from all of them. Also, despite the fact I do not desire any relationships outside of these 5 I have, if I was to look elsewhere I give up power by making it clear that I would want all of them to approve of me doing so and with the person.  I belong to five people and get strength in the moments that I give my power to them.

Power has been taken in multiple ways.  I had my virginity stolen.  I had my ability to fight corrupted. The knowledge that people protect each other was erased.  I had wished I had my life stolen.  I had even my ability to consent ripped away. I lost any possibility of sanctuary. I lost myself to alcohol and sex. I had the ability to find love removed. I had the choice of friends and clothes taken.  I had my body hit. I had myself lost by others comments. I had my choice in sexual partners removed.  I was raped, drugged, harassed, abused, assaulted, abandoned and pimped.

Luckily that last paragraph has been somewhat taken care of.  I can put my trust in a small group of people who I have the ability to love.  My clothes and friends are back to me.  I no longer lose myself to outside forces but sometimes to my head. I'm not perfect but I'm getting better and I'm able to love and be loved now.